Reflections

Have you ever had one of those years, where you inwardly say to yourself… oh, it just feels like Christmas? What is it that gives us that it’s” the most wonderful time of the year” feeling?... the decorations, the hustling and bustling, the favorite music carols heard everywhere, the delicious high-calorie comfort foods, a dimly lit room lightened by the soft flicker of candles, spicy smells floating through the house, maybe even snow in your part of the world?

I would have to admit that for the past several years, I’ve spent a good deal of time inwardly pondering once the grey winter months arrive, what makes me feel or not feel like it is Christmas. Having lived in a foreign country for the past eight years, my challenge has been to create that Christmas feeling while the one element that makes me “feel” like it is Christmas is missing… my family.

This year will be the very first year that my husband and I have had a Christmas tree together… funny that the 8^th year means “new beginnings”. Each year I’ve wanted a tree, but because of travel plans, whether to my parents or his, or sticky finger children that leaves only one option to set up a tree inside the playpen instead of outside of it, we’ve somehow never managed it. But this year we did manage … a little later than I had hoped, but accomplished nonetheless. It was essentially the first tree that we stumbled on, and a fine tree it is. Despite the kids excitement, I felt a certain melancholy mood as I was decorating the tree. This year has been full… full of good, full of busy, full of loss, full of change,  just plain full. 

Somehow unpacking my ornaments was a pure delight because it seemed as if each one was a surprise… “oh, I remember you” having been packed away all these years. With those memories, I thought about my family a lot. I thought about those that are mourning a much beloved friend that I lost just a few short months ago to cancer, and how this year will be about survival and just getting through for them, and not about “Merry and Bright”. While other friends that are mourning the loss of “what if” … and it makes me very grateful. 

This year during the Advent season we have been sharing each day what we are grateful for, and even my oldest has joined in. Of course, in keeping with kids say the darndest things, he has not disappointed, but I love the fact that he is learning to search out even the little things that he appreciates. Perhaps it is an attitude that should not be limited to just a day, or even just a season. So, despite the fact that the most important people in my life are missing this year, the truth of it is that my life is full of abundance. 

Wishing you the brightest this year for Christmas!

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A Matter of the Heart

They say that home is where the heart is, and while there is much truth in this, for me such a statement does not consider the reality of living abroad.

While driving recently, an old familiar song came on the radio that funnily every German seems to know word for word. The irony of it is that it is an old country song by John Denver, that actually has more meaning to me now that I am on the opposite side of the pond than when I was on the other side... "country roads, take me home, to the place I belong"... 

 Being somewhat annoyed with myself for having teared up while singing along, it was very much a confirmation that my heart ached for family and that familiar place that I once called "home". Living life in a different country is very much a fine balance between letting go of what once was, and embracing, blending, meshing, and creating a home in the new. 

So, I would assume that you have noticed that things have been very still around here, but with good reason. This summer has been about seeing my family, nestling in for a while in that old familiar place with no demands, and just being me. One cannot imagine the kinds of challenges one faces functioning daily in a language that you did not hear your own mother speaking to you from birth on.

But as I soaked in the flavors of the past, I felt a still in my soul. The place of my roots, the place where I feel connected to, and where I long for when I am away. My missing home should not be misinterpreted as discontent, quite the contrary. I have found my home here. Some time ago, a friend of mine said it best... "when you live in foreign country for a long time, you find that there is always something missing... no matter where you are."

My heart is in TWO places, and I call them both home.

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Up To Speed

Where has the past year gone?

I guess a lot of people might ponder such a question after the whirlwind of the winter holidays has come to an end. Once things have actually settled into a day to day routine and everyday life begins again, the question is usually long forgotten.

I am not pondering the question because I am such a reflective person, with regular and insightly annual reviews followed by a goals and to-do list, but actually the question for me is really quite matter-of-fact... where has the last year gone?

One of the main reasons that I put things on pause was because over the last year, I have hardly had any time for myself. I've not had much time to be creative, or if I did have the time, then I was too tired. Working busily all day thinking... if I can just make it until the kids are in bed, then the rest of the evening will be spent behind the hum of the sewing machine. Many wishes that were never realized. And, if I'm not making anything how could I share anything? Or if I did make something, then there was not enough time to take photos and post about it. Quite frankly my silence was simply that I was busy just simply living life.

It seems that almost everyone I meet, everyone I know is on constant overload. Did things run at such a fast pace a generation ago... even back to our grandparents' days?

When I scan through our 2013 photo folder, looking for evidence of the year, I ask myself the same redundant question... where did it go?

Well, SPRING was just about surviving... running after a quite lively and active three year old...

... tickling the toes of a six month old, strategically planting kisses on just the right spot...
 

... and husband away on week long work trips. I barely remember many moments where I just sat down. Sleep was the excption and not the rule.

Then we managed to make it to SUMMER...

five whole weeks at home with my family... afternoons by the pool, snuggled in one king size bed with all the cousins and the grandparents for a movie night, ice cream runs, grill evenings with every sunny day eating outside, choo-choo train rides, fireworks,  4th of July, family, friends, naps outside, multiple trips to the fabric store with a favorite aunt, visits with a much missed grandmother, WAL- MART!!!, learning to crawl, stand.... then wobbly walking, running after the crawling, wobbly walker...

... and then we whizzed right into...

FALL which usually mirrors spring, but with the exception that the two little guys could now both suddenly do more, kindergarden began for the big guy, hubby still gone, and preparations for our big annual show while hubby was still gone.

... and somehow we fell right back to WINTER again, barely back on solid ground because of the yearlong merry-go-round. Quiet and still winter months, creating new family traditions all while missing my own childhood memories, and feeling deeply the hole that has been left because of the people that I once shared them with.

... January... hmmm,  is it really January again?

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Filling in the Pieces

Did you ever start something and you weren't really sure why you started it? I mean a project without an end goal, something without vision and planning, maybe falling into something because it just sounded like fun?

When I first started blogging, it was for various reasons... growing my business here in Germany, connecting to customers on a personal level, keeping up with my family and friends back in the States, journaling my emersion into my new country, and well, simply as an outlet for me. Writing has always been the best way that I can express myself, but somewhere along the way my vision for blogging and inspiration were no longer clear.

With having two children my life changed. I changed. My days got busier, the list of things to do got longer, my time got shorter, priorities changed and with it blogging slid from the top of the list. The funny thing is that even though I haven't posted in months, I don't really feel like I have quit. Perhaps, I am looking for the right time to jump back in. I saw a blog post recently where someone had not posted on their blog in well over a year. Then all of a sudden, there they were again. They proceeded with a seemingly normal blog post as if a year's time had never passed. 

But now I guess I don't want to just jump back in and show project after project without even saying - hey, remember me…yeah, I know, I've been gone a long time. But yet somehow I need to have a clear definition for myself of why I actually want to blog. What is my purpose? Do I want to be a crafting and sewing blog making efforts to move and inspire my German readers while feeling a certain disconnection to those who only quietly stop by, but never connect with me feeling that either their English is not good enough or not being certain of my German abilities? Or do I want this to be primarily a  personal journal of my life… what moves me, what I feel and am passionate about? The question for me is, can one really combine both?

I'm still sorting, defining, and trying to find balance, but in the same respect, I am not ready to plunge back into things again full force. This is just perhaps a slight little "wiggling my fingers"  to show that there are still signs of life. Slow and gradual, easing back into things as inspiration comes… this is my simple plan for now.

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